Krista L. Weiser

Flicker

“So, how are things going?” Shawn asked.

“Like shit, but what’s it matter? Hand me one of those, will you?” Virginia demanded, her slim fingers already reaching to tug a cigarette from the pack in Shawn’s hand. He let her, and raised his lighter in silent offering while she held the rolled cylinder steady. With a flick of his thumb a small, stuttering flame rose and reminded him that he would have to buy a new lighter soon. She held the cigarette over the weak fire until the end burned a circle of glowing red. She brought it to her lips, inhaled deeply and let the smoke out slow. Shawn watched her until he saw the satisfaction on her face before he reached for one for himself. It was routine, comfortable and familiar and Shawn liked it that way.

“Yeah? Tell me about it, I’ve got time,” he said and took a drag of his own. His Basic brand cigarettes tasted terrible, but neither one of them cared. It was the act of breathing the smoke in and out that was important. Light, inhale, hold, release. There was something soothing about the motions.

“You’re supposed to be watching the store,” Virginia said, not accusingly but rather as an absent observation. Shawn shrugged.

“So? It’s not like anyone will show up. No one shows up anymore. Pete’s gonna have to close the place down soon, I swear. Dunno what I’ll do after. Maybe I’ll get a real job.”

Virginia snorted. She knew what real jobs were like. “Sure. Spend all your time working your ass off for minimum wage, getting cussed out every time you do something wrong, and go home sore and tired by the end of it. Lather, rinse, repeat. Fuck that.”

“Tell me,” Shawn repeated. Virginia was in a mood. She only used the ‘f’ word when she was upset. Somewhere in that black-haired head of hers, her mother’s Christian teachings remained. Most of the time, they ran for cover. Most of the time.

Virginia sighed and shook her head. She didn’t want to talk about it. But Shawn would just keep asking. He was stubborn, in a quiet sort of way. “Dad’s back,” she said.

It was Shawn’s turn to sigh. He hated that bastard. Nothing good ever came of him coming home. “I’m sorry, babe. You got anywhere to go this time?”

“No,” she said and went to lean on his shoulder.

“Oh,” Shawn replied. They sucked on their cigarettes in silence, until Virginia flicked hers away and reached for another. She always finished hers first. Shawn passed off the second cigarette and, as before, offered his lighter. When he was sure the cigarette was lit and she was content again, he continued. “You can stay at my place again, babe.”

He felt her smile rather than saw it. A curve of lips against his bare shoulder. She knew he would offer, just as he knew she wanted him to. He was reliable, unlike most of the men in her life. This included her boyfriend. Her official boyfriend, anyway.

“Good. I’ve got overnight stuff in my bag. When do you get out of work?”

Shawn grinned. How had he known? “In about two hours. Kenny ought to be in by one, though. I bet if I ask him, he’ll cover for me. He owes me a few favors. And he likes to look at the porn mags when no one’s around. Did I tell you I caught him spankin’ it in the bathroom last week?”

“Is that the reason he owes you?” Virginia asked with an amused smile. She loved a dirty story just as much as the next person.

“Damn right. You’re the only one I’ve told. He said he’d cut my nuts off if I told anyone at the store. S’not like I would anyway. Ole Pete would have those magazines out of there before you could finish a cigarette. It’d ruin it for everybody.”

“I’ll bet,” she said sagely and flicked her second cigarette away.

Shawn went to reach for another cigarette but was surprised to find Virginia’s hand stopping him. He turned his head to look at her and felt warm lips on his own almost immediately. He stubbed his old cigarette out on the cement beside him without looking and gave himself to her tobacco and ashtray kiss. Her kisses were almost like smoking a cigarette: light, inhale, hold, release. Comforting in their tangibility, their familiarity. It was a proof of living. The two kept on living until they heard Kenny’s beat up old pickup rumble into the parking lot.

It was well past midnight, but Shawn couldn’t sleep. He was conscious of Virginia’s body next to him, naked and warm and all snuggled up against his side. He watched her and let his mind wander with thoughts of her.

The waning light from a tiring moon splashed faintly into his bedroom, illuminating shadows made by mounds of dirty clothing, strewn books and an overflowing trash can. The same light splayed over his chest and the side of her sleeping face. Her high cheekbone cast a sharp shadow on an already sharp, angular face. She hadn’t been eating well lately, Shawn could tell. It seemed like she was getting smaller every time he saw her and it worried him. Her job as a waitress at one of the busy sports bars in town was killing her with the hours she ran. It was hard to be a student during the day and work the graveyard shift at night, but there wasn’t much choice for her now that she was paying her own way.

She must have sensed his gaze on her; she shifted and squirmed against him. He watched her thin hand slide up his chest until she was resting comfortably again. The cold metal of the old watch he had given her rested on his bare skin and sent a shiver down his spine, but he ignored it. He’d stay as still as stone for her, so long as she was comfortable. Sometimes he thought she only really slept well when she stayed with him. She said he was reliable--safe, even. He hoped he could keep on protecting her in this offhanded way. He couldn’t make himself very prominent in her life by doing anything more for her than offering a safe retreat when things got bad. Her boyfriend might find out who he was, what they were doing behind his back. Things could get bad really quickly, if that happened. Her boyfriend was a bigger dick than her father, and stronger too. He was a football team captain who could grind Shawn into hamburger if he chose, or so Virginia said. Shawn would like to meet the bastard anyway, just to see if what she said was true. He wouldn’t mind taking a few hits if he could give some back for her. He hated women-beaters.

“Mph. Shawn?” Virginia’s quiet murmur broke the silence and Shawn’s train of thought.

“Yeah, babe?” he asked in soft reply and let his fingers run through the long strands of her dark hair.

“Just making sure you’re still here.”

“Yeah, babe, I’m still here. Go back to sleep.”

“Ok,” she whispered and soon settled again. A content sigh rose from her lips that made Shawn smile. Oh, well, he thought. He would be fine with being the dependable one, the set of shoulders that she relied on. For now, anyway.

Shawn almost fell off his stool at the sight of Virginia when she walked into the store. Tears were streaming down that pretty face, a pretty face sporting a large bruise on one eye and a long scrape on the opposite cheek.

“What happened?” he demanded as he jumped the counter to join her. Now that he was closer and his vision was unobstructed by a sunglasses rack and scratch tickets, he could see that her arm was in a sling. A fucking sling.

“B-Brandon f-found o-out,” Virginia said, her voice shaking. “Shawn, I, I-I—”

“Shh,” Shawn interrupted and put a finger to her lips. The bottom one was split down the middle. Son of a bitch. “S’ok, babe. I’m right here. How did he find out? Did he do all of this to you?” He asked as tender fingers reached to touch the circle of bruised skin around her eye. She flinched before he made contact and took a step back.

“He f-found that s-shirt of yours I borrowed the other d-day. I t-tried to tell him it was my brother’s, b-but he knows my brother doesn’t use cologne. He j-jumped to conclusions and, and he beat me u-until I told him.”

Again, Shawn stared. His hands curled into tight fists and his jaw clenched, so rigid and tight it made his teeth ache. He could feel his face getting hot and his palms sweaty. That son of a bitch. Shawn wasn’t a violent man, normally, but the fuse was lit. Light. Inhale. Hold. Release.

“Tell me where he lives, babe. Just tell me where he fucking lives.”

“Shawn, no! Look, Shawn, I, I can’t see you anymore. He, h-he said if he smelled y-you on me again, he’d, he’d kill you. I’m sorry.” She said, and took another step back.

Shawn stared into her wet, bloodshot eyes. Was she serious? She looked like she was. But, how could he protect her if she ran away? How could he help if he wasn’t supposed to see her?

“Babe, this has gone too far. He hurt you. Just tell me where he lives. If I don’t think I can take him, I know some guys who can.” Yes, Shawn knew exactly who could help them if he couldn’t settle this man-to-man. They were tough guys who wore pretty metal badges and blue uniforms and drove really cool cars with flashing lights and sirens, but Virginia didn’t need to know that. At least, not yet. She’d only get more upset if the police got involved.

“Shawn, no. I’m sorry, but, no. Say, say hello to Kenny for me. I, I, oh God!” She cried, and ran. Shawn was left to stand in the store and watch as she ran out the door and down the street. When it finally occurred to him that he ought to go after her, a customer was walking in, and it was too late.

Shawn went through three packs of cigarettes before his shift was over.

Shawn had been waiting for a few weeks now to try to catch Virginia at work. She had taken temporary leave to heal. After all, what good was a waitress with a bum arm in a busy place like Vinny’s Sports Bar? Three cigarettes met their ends in Shawn’s hand while he worked himself up to go inside.

For three weeks, he had worried about her. Was she ok? Had that dickhead hurt her more since he had last seen her? Had she had enough money saved up to help make up for the three weeks of work she had missed? Was her dad still around, too, making things even worse? They were questions that had driven Shawn up the wall every night since she had last come to see him. He had to know.

Finally, he cast his last cigarette aside, stomped it flat with his shoe, and made his way to the bar’s entrance. As he walked in, Shawn was a little surprised at the lack of business the bar was sporting. Must not be a game night, he thought. Shawn didn’t really keep up with sports much; he was more of a National Geographic guy. He was a bit relieved, though. Less customers meant Virginia would be less busy, which meant Shawn just might be able to get her to talk to him. She hadn’t returned any of his calls, hadn’t visited, hadn’t done anything to at least keep some contact between them so that Shawn wouldn’t go crazy with worry. If she refused to talk to him now, the next time he saw her, it would be at her house. Maybe he’d get lucky and her boyfriend would be there. He could go straight to the source of the problem, then.

Before Shawn could make it too far, an older woman approached him, all smiles at the thought of a potential customer coming in to stir the otherwise dull air. Shawn was almost sorry he would be denying her. She looked worn and tired, like a woman who worked too hard for the money she made. She would be most disappointed.

“Hello, sir! How many?”

“Er, none, actually. I was just looking for someone who works here. Is Virginia Ross working tonight?”

The woman’s smile instantly melted away into an annoyed frown. Oops. “Yes, she is. She’s busy, though.”

Shawn looked once around the near-empty bar and raised an eyebrow at the woman. Busy, huh? “Well, could you please just tell her I’m here? Shawn Silverman’s my name.”

The woman gave him a piercing glare that would have probably lit Shawn on fire with a little more concentration, before she finally let out a long-suffering sigh and turned her back on him with a muttered reply, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get her. Take a seat over there, she’ll be out when she has a minute.”

“Thank you,” Shawn said, sincerely grateful. He hadn’t really thought of what he would do if the bar’s staff wouldn’t cooperate with him. He was glad he had come in on a dead night.

Time passed just slowly enough to make Shawn fidgety, before Virginia finally emerged. He was in the middle of sketching a caricature of an angry, devil horn and pitchfork-wielding hostess when he felt her presence just next to his elbow. He smelled her perfume before he saw her and felt a stirring within him. She smelled the way he expected heaven to smell—a greasy, cigarette-smoke smelling heaven.

“S’that supposed to be Margie? That’s a pretty good representation,” Virginia murmured, smiling though there was no emotion in it.

Shawn took in that smile and wasn’t sure what to think. No more bruises and scratches, yet there were blue rings under her eyes that, while they had always been there, seemed even darker than before. If possible, she seemed even thinner than he recalled. She wasn’t hurting on the outside, but on the inside, Shawn wondered.

“Er, yeah, if Margie’s the hostess lady. I thought she was going to try killing me with her eyes,” he tried to joke, but knew his tone was falling flat. Too much worry, too much nervousness.

“She tries to do that to anyone who isn’t a customer or the boss. It’s just her way.”

“I guess,” Shawn replied and found his gaze moving away from Virginia’s tired face. He knew why he was here, he knew what he wanted to say, but he hesitated. It was so good to see her, despite the fear about her health he was feeling. He had really missed her. He had a new worry now, though. Had she even missed him?

The remained there in silence for a few long moments until Virginia’s impatience got the best of her. She had always been hastier than him. “Look, Shawn, I can’t wait for you all night. I’ve got a job to do. What are you here for?”

“I, well, to talk to you, obviously. Look, can we talk outside or something? I don’t really feel comfortable doing this here.”

Virginia let out an annoyed sigh that was almost a perfect imitation of the angry hostess’s, but she moved towards the bar’s exit all the same. “Come on, then, I haven’t had my break and I’m sick of washing dishes anyway.”

“I thought you were a waitress,” Shawn murmured as he rose to follow her. Thank God she was giving him time. For a moment he had thought that she might send him away.

“I am, usually, but our usual dishwasher caught a cold and I had to fill the slot. It’s not bad work, but my hands aren’t used to it.”

“Oh,” Shawn replied.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Virginia asked as she reached into her apron and procured a pack of cigarettes. She leaned on the hood of his car as she lit up, her sunken eyes seeming even darker under the harsh lamp light of the bar’s parking lot. She looked like a dying person. Shawn reached for his own pack and drew out his lighter. Soon they both had hold of glowing embers, and the standoff began.

“I just wanted to make sure you were ok. When you didn’t even call after three weeks to at least let me know how you were doing, I got worried.”

“I thought I told you I couldn’t see you anymore,” Virginia replied, her gaze landing anywhere but on him.

“You don’t have to see me just to drop me a line so I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere,” Shawn said, a little bite in his voice that he wasn’t entirely sorry was there.

“I’m sorry, I just, if Brandon caught me on the phone, he’d kill me. He’s still really pissed, Shawn. If he knew I was talking to you now, he’d kill us both. He, he doesn’t want me to have anything to do with you anymore.” She looked miserable, but Shawn still felt angry at her words.

“Yeah? That didn’t stop you before. Damn it, babe, I don’t want you near HIM either. He hurt you really bad. You don’t even love him, I know you don’t. Don’t you think you’re listening to the wrong guy?” Shawn demanded, his empty hand clenching into a fist. Stay calm, he reminded himself. Stay calm. Light, inhale, hold, release.

Virginia didn’t answer him right away. Her dark eyes stared somewhere off in the distance, watching something that Shawn couldn’t see. “It’s not that easy, Shawn. It’s just, not that easy,” she finally murmured.

“Not that easy? Not that easy?! Babe, I’ve got two words for you. Restraining. Order. I know you’re scared he’s going to hurt you or something, but if you stay with me, and you put one of those through, he can’t touch you. And if he does, bam, I call 911, and he’s locked up. It’s that easy, babe. It really is.” Shawn had had plenty of time to think about how to best separate Virginia from her abusive, controlling boyfriend. Aside from trying to beat the crap out of the bastard, the only other good conclusions Shawn had had was for the cops to step in. It seemed the simplest, best answer. Virginia’s expression said otherwise, though. Damn.

“The cops? A restraining order? Shawn, come on. Stop it, all right? I’m not getting a goddamn restraining order, and the cops can stay the fuck out of this,” she said, her arms folding over her chest in righteous indignation. Somehow, Shawn had seen that one coming.

“Fine, no restraining order, no cops. But I can’t let you stay with that bastard after what he did to you, babe. Look, I figured you wouldn’t like the restraining order idea, so I’ve got a better plan. One that’ll make us both happy, I think.” At least, Shawn hoped it would.

“Yeah? What great plan have you got, Shawn?” she asked, her voice sarcasm-heavy. He watched her mouth quirk into a patronizing smirk, and had to force himself to look away from her. The urge to kiss those lips, to wipe away that cruel smile was almost overwhelming.

“I think we should run away, babe. I think you should get your stuff, put it in my car, and we should just get the hell out of here. We’ll get away from your boyfriend, I’ll find a better job, we’ll just get the fuck out of here and leave all of this crap behind. That’s what I want to do, babe. We could be free.” Shawn’s heart started to thump like crazy in his chest as he told her his desire. It was his dream. He would sweep her up and take her away from it all. He could save her, and in doing so, he could save himself from a life that looked like it was going nowhere. It could be the best change of his life, that one action that could shift his course dramatically. Virginia didn’t agree, though. Instead, she laughed.

“Ha! God, are you serious, Shawn? Are you really that naïve? Where the hell would we go, Shawn, huh? Where would we live? I’ve got school, remember? I can’t just up and leave. And what about you? You’ve got your job at the Kwik-Stop and an apartment you can’t break the lease on. We can’t just leave. Reality doesn’t work like that, Shawn, you know that.”

Her laughter hurt, but Shawn couldn’t bring himself to back down yet. She didn’t see it like he did. She didn’t understand. “I don’t have a job there anymore. They closed it down—something I might have told you, if you’d bothered to fucking call me. And the lease is almost up. I talked to Morrison, he already gave me the ok to book it if I want, so long as I pay off the last couple weeks of rent. I’ve got enough saved up to do it, too. You could transfer schools. I could try and see if my uncle will let us stay at his place for a while. We could make it work, babe, I know we could. You’re so damn smart, I bet you could get a job right away. If we stay with my uncle, I bet he could pull some strings for both of us. We could—”

“We can’t, Shawn,” Virginia cut in, firm and coolly. She flicked her cigarette away and moved toward him.

Shawn felt paralyzed as he watched her come near, at the certainty in her resigned face. When she looked like that, he knew no force on earth could change her mind. She was just as stubborn as she was hasty. He couldn’t stop his mouth from working, though. The words came out almost on their own, an unbidden babble. “We could, babe, we could! If I could get my uncle’s help, we could do all right. We could save up our money and get a nice apartment somewhere so we don’t have to mooch off my uncle forever. I could try out working construction, I know it pays well. I could take care of us, babe, I—”

“Shawn.” The word was like a command, and Shawn found himself shutting up. She stared up at him, those pretty, dark, dead eyes full of pity and scorn and sorrow and so many other things Shawn couldn’t fathom. She leaned up and kissed his cheek, whispered of soft “thank you” in his ear, and then she turned away.

He watched her as she made her way to the doors of the sports bar, watched those skinny chicken legs, those long, bony fingers, those sharp elbows and pale, thin neck. And then, just like that, she was gone, the door swinging closed behind her with a soft thud.

Shawn popped another piece of gum into his mouth as he continued to read an article in the magazine he had snatched off the rack. As usual, the store was dead. The place saw less business than Pete’s had. It would only be a matter of time before it closed down, too. He wondered to himself how he managed to find places like this, while studying a rather interesting photo of a chick modeling some very tasteful, devil-red undergarments. Oh yes, he definitely read this magazine for the articles.

He didn’t bother to look up as he heard the store’s door open and the little jingle of the bell the boss had attached to it. “Afternoon,” he mumbled absently instead, and continued to let his eyes go down the article lines. ‘10 ways to please your boyfriend,’ he read silently. Wow, definitely need-to-know information.

As Shawn flipped the page of the magazine, he heard the steps of the customer move directly to the front of his counter and stop there, silent. “Can I help you?” he asked automatically without looking up. The customer probably wanted a pack of cigarettes or a scratch ticket or something, the same-old same-old. Shawn could just barely bring himself to care, these days.

To his surprise, however, the customer in question didn’t let out a deep, gruff trucker’s voice or a squeaky, almost-but-not-quite adolescent one, like usual. It was a woman’s voice, and all too familiar to Shawn’s ears.

“You could look up, for a start,” the woman said, and slid a red-nailed, slender hand right under Shawn’s gaze, covering up the words about how to burn butt-fat fast in only ten days. Shawn blinked up, disgruntled. No customer who came in the store was ever so personal as to touch the counter, let along put their hand right in his face.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, how may I… help… you.” Suddenly, Shawn found himself face-to-face with a ghost. Her face was fuller, now, eyes no longer sunken so deep you almost couldn’t see the whites of them. She looked more filled out in general, and her skin looked so much healthier, almost glowing. But that smile, it was the same, and Shawn had to remind himself to use words.

“V-Virginia. Erm, hey.”

“Hi,” she said, that smile still on her face.

Shawn couldn’t seem to make his brain function. All he could do was stare at her. He hadn’t seen Virginia Ross in a little over two years. He had moved away from their old town to a different one up state to get away from the memory of her and to try starting anew. Yet, here she was. And damn, but did she look good.

“How have you been, Shawn?” she finally asked, when it became apparent to them both that Shawn wasn’t going to say anything.

“Hm? Oh! Uh, well, good, I guess. Um, how have you been? You uh, you look good,” he said, and immediately wished he hadn’t. But he couldn’t seem to make his brain work. He just couldn’t get over the sight of her. He had thought he’d never see her again.

“I’m doing good, thanks. I just graduated. Got my LNA license and all,” she said, and tucked a long strand of black silk behind an ear. She had grown her hair out even more, to Shawn’s utter fascination. Who knew a person could change so much in only a few years?

“Oh. Um, that’s great, I’m glad for you. You got a job lined up and everything, or…?”

“Sort of. I’m looking at some hospitals. Nothing’s definite yet, but I’ve got my eye on one in particular. They’ve got some great benefits, so we’ll see.”

“Oh.” He didn’t know what to make of any of this. It all seemed too surreal, like some sort of dream he might wake up from at any moment. She had walked away from him, and now she was back again, two years later at that. How was he even supposed to act?

“So, erm, what brings you all the way up here? It’s kind of a long drive from home. Assuming you still live there, of course,” Shawn said, trying to keep the conversation going.

“Well, Kenny told me you had moved up here, and I was in the area, so I figured I’d stop by and say hello. It’s been a while, you know?” she said. Her fingers began to fiddle with the near-empty gum pack he had left on the counter.

Shawn was surprised to hear that Kenny had given him away. He had thought Kenny was planning to scram, just like him. “When the hell did you talk to Kenny? I thought he split after I did.”

“He was going to, but he changed his mind. He wound up staying and going to the tech, actually. I had a class or two with him.”

“Oh,” Shawn murmured as he watched her take out an empty gum wrapper from his gum and start to fold it in odd ways. He didn’t like it when his gum pack was missing a wrapper—it made the pack more apt to collapse. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that, and resigned himself to watch her deft fingers instead.

“…Shawn, look, I’m, I’m sorry about what happened. You were right, I should have gotten that restraining order. Against Brian, I mean. I should have done it right when you told me to, but I was stupid. You were right all along.”

Shawn was caught off guard by her sudden confession, so much so that he actually looked up to meet her gaze. He hadn’t been expecting an apology. Well, really, he hadn’t known what to expect at all, but an apology was certainly at the bottom of his list of guesses. “Well, I’m glad you realize it now, I guess. What did you do, dump him or something?”

“No. He’s in jail now. After he put me in the hospital a third time, my mother made me press charges against him. He’s got four more years, at least. And he’s not going to be allowed to come near me for a long time after that.”

Psh. It fucking figured, the only way she would leave him would be because of a lawsuit. He was happy for the news, though. Despite “being dumped hardcore,” as Kenny at put it, he had still worried about her for a while after he had left. It was a bit of a relief. “Well, damn. Can’t say I feel sorry for the bastard. I’m glad you’re free of him, though. He wasn’t good for you, Virginia.”

“No, he wasn’t,” she agreed quietly. Again, silence fell between them, Shawn chewing his gum and Virginia making a little paper crane—or something like it—from his gum wrapper.

Just as Shawn was starting to wonder if he should try to say something more, Virginia suddenly looked him square in the eye, set down her paper bird, and parted her lips. “Look, um, do you want to go out for a smoke?”

“Uh, well, I quit smoking a while back. I haven’t lit up in about two years,” Shawn said, a little sheepish, and pointed at the pack of gum she had been toying with. She simply smiled at him, though, and drew out a pack of her own from her pocket, a blue Wrigley’s five stick Winter Mint pack.

“That’s ok, so did I.”